When Relationships Fall Apart: Conscious and Unconscious Agreements in Relationship

/
When Relationships Fall Apart: Conscious and Unconscious Agreements in Relationship

By: Lisa Blair & David Bedrick

Every relationship has two handshakes: one above the table and one below. The first handshake is a conscious agreement between the two people, saying “We’re going to support each other, care for each other’s needs, listen to and accommodate each other, and compromise when we need to.” These are important agreements, however they are limited. As time passes, it typically becomes harder and harder to keep these agreements because previously unrevealed aspects of each person will arise that will not be in alignment with this initial contract.

Read More

You Can't Get There From Here: Pathways to Emotional Intimacy in Relationship

/
You Can't Get There From Here: Pathways to Emotional Intimacy in Relationship

By: Lisa Blair

People seeking relationship help come to therapy thinking one of three things: (1) they think they are doing something wrong or feel they need to work on their personal issues, (2) they voice complaints about their partner’s attitudes or behaviors, saying that their partner does too much of one thing or not enough of something else, or (3) they are self-critical and want help to be a “better partner.”[1] These ways of thinking stem from what I call the “identify-the-problem-and-fix-it” mentality.

Read More

Embracing Diversity in Relationships: You, Me, and All That Stuff We're So Scared Of

/
Embracing Diversity in Relationships: You, Me, and All That Stuff We're So Scared Of

By: Lisa Blair & David Bedrick

In this post, we will talk about the first two phases of relationship: phase one, which is all about unity, similarity, and harmony; and phase two, which is all about fostering and embracing diversity. We’ll do this by commenting on some song lyrics, a poem, and a parable. Each speaks to some aspect of either the first phase, the end of the first phase, or the entrance into the second phase of relationship. Even though the examples come from traditional love stories of romantic partnerships, the experiences they describe refer to all kinds of relationships: friendships, child and parent relationships, student and teacher relationships, business partnership, marriage, and so forth. What most relationships have in common (especially when they occur over longer periods of time), is that in the beginning there is a more idealized view of the other person that mesmerizes us (and often blinds us), and later a more realistic and authentic view of the other person that sobers us and wakes us up from a slumber. Let’s begin with a quintessential phase-one story from the famous Broadway musical West Side Story.

Read More

The Dance of Diversity in Relationship

/
The Dance of Diversity in Relationship

By: Lisa Blair

Diversity is a normal part of life and ought to be celebrated. Not just in nature, culture, and the world, but inside ourselves and in our relationships.

There are countless ways in which diversity lives in our relationships: skin color, ethnic heritage, religious beliefs, cultural norms, and customs; socio-economic backgrounds, physical abilities, health issues, and immune systems.

Read More

Are We There Yet? Reimagine Emotional Intimacy as a Process

/
Are We There Yet? Reimagine Emotional Intimacy as a Process

By: Lisa Blair

Have you been feeling emotionally distant from your partner? Would you like to bridge that gap? Or are you at your wits’ end and ready to throw in the towel?

Don’t give up before reading this post.

You may be asking, “Why are we so bad at this? We screwed up again. When are we going to get it right?” It’s not you; we’ve all been misled about how romantic relationships should work especially when it comes to emotional intimacy.

Read More

Who Are You Really? The Roles We Play in Relationship

/
Who Are You Really? The Roles We Play in Relationship

By: Lisa Blair

When you reflect on your intimate love relationship in your mind’s eye, do you see yourself feeling and behaving like your true authentic self or do you see yourself acting as if in a role? Can you even tell the difference between the two?

In my previous post “Stop Trying to Be a "Good" Partner and Start Being Yourself,” I explored how trying to be a good partner means we’re playing the role of the good partner rather than being our true self. I’m defining “playing a role” to mean following a set of principles or expectations that serve a momentary function within a relationship.

Read More

Stop Trying to Be a “Good” Partner and Start Being Yourself

/
Stop Trying to Be a “Good” Partner and Start Being Yourself

By: Lisa Blair

Here’s my first piece of advice when it comes to cultivating emotional intimacy in your relationship.

Stop trying to be such a good partner! Yup, you heard me. Just stop.

Why? The opposite of being a “good” partner is being you. But we’ll get to more of that in a moment.

Telling you to stop trying to be a “good” partner does not mean that I’m telling you to be a bad partner. I do not condone any form of abuse, cruelty, or mistreatment. There are serious dangers in the world of relationship.

Read More

Book Review: "Eight Dates" by Dr. John Gottman, et al.

/
Book Review: "Eight Dates" by Dr. John Gottman, et al.

By: Lisa Blair

Gottman, J., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D. & Abrams, R. C. (2019). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing Co.

“Every great love story is a never-ending conversation” is both the first line of Eight Dates and a concise and inspiring summation of the pages to follow (p. 2). Love and relationships take vulnerability and curiosity, effort and commitment, trust and acceptance, and above all, making intimate conversations a priority.

Read More

A Story About Emotional Intimacy, Trust, and Going All In

/
A Story About Emotional Intimacy, Trust, and Going All In

By: Lisa Blair

I was talking with a female friend recently who just entered into a new relationship with a man. How they met each other was unplanned but happened at a very special, fortuitous event. They are both basking in the afterglow of this chance encounter and deep connection. Since then, they have already declared to one another that emotional intimacy and honesty are very important to them and that they want this with each other. Of this, they are in agreement. However, my friend notices she is questioning herself about whether or not she should now commit to him completely or "go all in," as she puts it.

Read More

It's Me, Not You: When Relationship Work is Personal Work

/
It's Me, Not You: When Relationship Work is Personal Work

By: Lisa Blair

Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned about sustainable relationships is this: People have a tendency to confuse the need to work on their relationship with the actual need to work on themselves.[1]

Because people often assume their relationship conflicts are about the relationship itself, they think they need to address the problem together with their partner(s) in “relationship work.”[2] This perspective assumes that it is the relationship that is “not good” or is flawed and that “it” needs to be fixed.

Read More

That's the Thing about Love: My Personal Awakening to Emotional Intimacy

/
That's the Thing about Love: My Personal Awakening to Emotional Intimacy

By : Lisa Blair

It’s spring 2009 in Portland, Oregon. My partner, David, and I are nestled close under the covers with a laptop on our shared lap. It’s pitch black in our room except for the light pulsating from the screen.

We are wondering aloud to each other what Stephen and Ondrea Levine, master meditation teachers, are up to these days. We realize we haven’t heard anything about them for several years.

Read More